Joke Thread

Silver Streak

Silver Streak

King of the hill :~)
I know quite a bit of jokes and thought a "Joke Thread" would be way to for everyone to share some funny stories.

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants
and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a COIN and one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
"Get the quarter back! Get the quarterback!!"
 
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy."

Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is...When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!"
 
Three dogs - a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office, when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So, why are you here?"

The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection," comes the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So, what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquires.

"Lethal injection," the dejected Lab replies.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I couldn't help myself. I hopped onto her back and started humping away."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and ask, "So, lethal injection for you, too, huh?"

The Doberman says, "No, no - I'm here to get my nails clipped."
 
A friend of mine plays the bagpipes. A local funeral director contacted him and asked him to play for the graveside service of a homeless man. Although he had no family the director thought there should be something special to mark his passing. Like most men, my friend failed to get directions to the small county cemetery and arrived late. Seeing only a group of workmen leaning on their shovels, he determined nonetheless to give this poor man a proper send off.

Taking his bagpipe from its case, he walked to the grave, looked down and began to play. He played like he'd never played before, moving the workmen to stand silently in respect, removing their caps. He ended with "Amazing Grace," leaving those gathered around in tears. Upon finishing, he bowed his head, said a short prayer, then walked back to his car. As he was putting his bagpipe away, he heard one of the workman say to his friends, "I've never seen anything like that, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 30 years."
 
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it..

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?",
he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
 
The 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt
better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do
you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies.” Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row, too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from? See asked!

The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
 
This really is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!!!
 
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure, called a vasectomy, that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."


"Trust me," said the doctor, "it works."

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
 
Thank You Tide!!!!

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another, and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well.

I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!

They came out so well, in fact, that the police's DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people
 
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
 
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank
you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 
Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Sugar Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Mais, no", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah." "That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Sugar Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year for LSU, the SEC champions, the first time since 1987 they make it to the Sugar Bowl, and then not use it?"

Thibodeaux says, "Dat seat belong wit me, yeah. I wuz comin' wit my wife, but she done pass on. Dis de first LSU football game we didn't came wit each udder since we bin married in 1960." "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly.

"No, dey all at de funeral."
 
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent." We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!" The social worker says,
"Yeah, well, you started it."
 
Saw this surfing the net. Thought it was pretty good.
 

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Kind of like the guy applying for a job at the lumber yard, said he could tell the type of wood by the smell. The man was blind folded and the secretary was asked to bring wood in and hold it in front of him.

He named every board correct, so the boss asked his secretary to walk back in naked in front of him. The guy takes a sniff and ask to have the board turned over. He takes another sniff and says "You guys a funny, that's the bathroom door off a tuna boat!".
 
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